Just the best dancing sandwiches.
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Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
The game has officially changed 😎
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday