According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
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which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Ooops wrong house😂😜
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?