Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Meow
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Thursday Thought.
the official breakfast of 2021
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”