[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
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My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
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if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again