Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
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The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.