Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
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Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.