Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
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People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
the dark web is just a goth google.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.