Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
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If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Phonetics
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Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win