Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
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*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.