The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
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I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
What kind of a cult is this?
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain