Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
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coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.