“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
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Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single