“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
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A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Always 🥴
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
🍞🦆
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.