Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
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chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..