Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
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DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.