Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
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I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.