Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
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“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.