If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
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imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd