“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
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“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.