If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
You Might Also Like
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Festive toon…
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.