“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
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Overindulged this afternoon.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Labreador
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.