life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
You Might Also Like
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.