Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
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Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
it be like that
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win