Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
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“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
I don’t think my car can fly
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.