“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
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Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
U talkin 2 me?
my fav colour is also hitler
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Love is always patient and kind.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far