Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
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Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Life is a suicide mission.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two