Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
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My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?