The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
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Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
At least he brought enough for everyone
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.