“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
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“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
is this how new cars are made??
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude