No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
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My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Nomnomnomnom
Important
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
This might be me.
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