“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
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New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?