New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
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WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year