A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
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Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
can’t talk my ride’s here
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe