The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
You Might Also Like
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Husband of the year 😂
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.