My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
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juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.