Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
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Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
People buying plungers never look happy.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?