The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
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Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay