When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
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Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Sunday
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?