T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
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how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Oh my God.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.