i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
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haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.