me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
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The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle