REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
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My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.