One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
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Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*