How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
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*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth