Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
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[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
In case you needed to hear it:
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.