my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
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COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
still the best tweet of the year by far
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.