it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
You Might Also Like
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly