It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
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My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
(more comics:
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.