*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
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Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
and this one
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
how much for the angry fruit?
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running