me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
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Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
i meant to share this earlier
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.