If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
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My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
The 4 stages of a family vacation